Sleeping together…it’s not just for us grown-ups!
My wife took a new temp job last week that went from working
day shift to working night shift. There
was an immediate problem with that for me. You see, I don’t sleep well alone - anymore.
Jo and I hadn’t spent one night apart in the 2 years we have
been together until her first temp job when she had to work a grave shift (a month
ago). I discovered to my horror that I can’t
sleep when she isn’t there. I didn’t
know this, but apparently I have to be touching her in order to go to sleep and
I do so every night without thinking about it.
However, this is not always great for her. For some reason she doesn’t like it when my foot
is draped over her ankles…something about pinning them down and cutting off
blood circulation...and then there is the snuggling up to her and not giving
her any room to move or sprawl out. It doesn’t bother me any so I’m not sure what
all the fuss is about. At any rate, that
first night she was gone I literally did not sleep. At. All. The next night wasn’t any better. Luckily, for everyone around me, there were only
two nights of that nonsense (sleep deprivation and I do NOT get along!) and
things got back to normal – until last week.
A new temp job went from day shift to night shift. And there I was the first night, laying
there, tossing and turning, trying to sleep – and not succeeding. The pillows that have her scent weren’t
helping either…they just made me more stressed and unable to get any closer to
sleep than a light dozing off.
Now, it isn’t like I wasn’t well trained as a baby to sleep
by myself. My mother did the Dr. Spock
cry it out with me and I slept by myself for many years. If I tried to crawl into bed with my mom after
a bad dream I was quickly ushered back to my own bed so that I could remain the
independent little sleeper I was supposed to be. In fact, I was so well trained that I really
didn’t like sleeping with anyone else – even as an adult. It was annoying. They were in my space, in my way and woke me
up. How rude! As long as the other person stayed on their
side of the bed I was, for the most part, ok.
Then I met Jo, and developed a
strong, healthy attachment to her and that is a good thing – but this not being
able to sleep without her next to me?
Well, that is not. Or is it?
There is a lot of controversy about co-sleeping and babies these
days. Comments range from you SHOULD do
it to you should NEVER do it. Well, let’s
think about this for a moment. We hear the
following comments all the time, right?
- You must co-sleep to be an attachment parent (see previous blog post on attachment parenting).
- If you allow the baby to sleep in your bed they will never learn to sleep on their own. Or worse: They will never leave the parental bed!
- Baby must learn to self-soothe and be independent
There are more, but we will stick with these for now.
First – there is a difference between co-sleeping and
co-bedding. Co-sleeping is sleeping in
the same room. Co-bedding is sleeping in
the same bed. Now that we’ve cleared
that up, let’s dispel some of these ‘myths’ shall we?
Attachment parents do not all co-bed nor do they all
co-sleep. I am an attachment parent and
yet: My oldest son did a mix of
co-sleeping and co-bedding. And it was
pretty funny when he started off in his crib at night (in my room) and I woke
up many mornings with him in bed with me and no idea how he got there! I tried co-bedding with my middle son but
that quickly became a nightmare! He
tossed, turned, kicked and generally made me nuts for two months before I
finally put him in his crib at the end of my bed and we co-slept happily for
the next few years. My youngest son never made it into a crib, partly
because we never put it together but mostly because he was so snuggly and easy
to sleep with! He (safely) co-bedded
with me for several years. It was
wonderful!
Studies show that co-sleeping actually reduces the risk of
SIDS – co-bedding does the same thing when done safely. Having the baby in the room with you allows
you to hear your baby when he needs you much more quickly and moms find they
often wake up just slightly before baby does for feeding. Co-bedding allows for faster and easier
breastfeeding. Kind of cool stuff there!
How about the old comment of “if you allow the baby to sleep
with you he will never learn to sleep on his own”? Again
not true. Think about it: How many teenagers are still sleeping in the bed,
(or in the room) with their parents? Are
YOU still sleeping in your parents’ bed – with them? I didn’t think so.
The experts say that babies need to feel safe
and protected. I agree with that and I
hazard a guess that babies would too. Babies
have no clue that it is 2012 and that if they are left alone they won’t be a Scooby
snack for a Sabre-tooth. So, when they fall
asleep and we put them down, their innate instincts take over, they wake and
holler at us to pick them up and keep them safe! Co-bedding and co-sleeping help the baby to
feel safe and secure, thus allowing for better sleep for both parent and child.
A pretty typical example of how kids transition to their own
sleep space when ready is my own experience.
My youngest son was 3 when he transitioned into his own bed, in his own
room, with his older brother – by his choice.
I would wake up in the mornings and find him in bed with me several
times per week until he was about 6. Between
ages 7 and 9 I’d wake up to him snuggling in once or twice a week. From about 9
– 10 years of age I was lucky if he graced my sleeping presence once a month. By age 11 he was over it – wasn’t happening –
no way was he going to snuggle in with mom!
When he was 12 we went camping
(sort of – slept in a nice camp trailer) and there was only one place for him
to sleep…with me. He had a fit! It was actually kind of funny. He couldn’t stand the thought of snuggling in
with mom, so he positioned himself on the very edge of the bed to go to sleep. It
was a queen sized bed. Can you imagine
how horrified he was to wake up in the morning all nice and snuggled in with
mom, his head on my shoulder? I thought
it was great, personally. So, trust me –
your kids will NOT be sleeping with you forever. When they are developmentally ready, they
will naturally transition into their own sleeping space and do so easily. And when that happens, you are liable to miss
them…just as you miss your partner if they are not with you.
Lastly, self-soothing and independence. I hear about these most. Babies
learn to self-soothe when they are developmentally ready to do so and if you
try to force that on them – good luck making it happen before they are ready. It just doesn’t work. Look at it this way: we are not all ‘ready’ to do what someone else
is at the same time or age. Why would we
be? We all grow and develop at our own
pace and not before. And if we, as
adults, are pushed to learn something faster than we are able – what do we
do? Just like babies and children will,
we get mad or frustrated or say NO! The key is to recognize that and listen to
them, just as we expect others to listen to us.
We have the cognitive ability to recognize that we ourselves need more
time to learn something – we also have to cognitive ability to recognize that
they need it too. However, many people
will tell us that we have to push our children into independence. Babies and children learn independence when
developmentally ready and when they know their needs are met and they are
safe. And the studies show that when children’s
needs are met they grow into healthy independent adults.
I got to thinking about these issues at 2am when I was
supposed to be sleeping and couldn’t because I was all alone and missing my
wife and my youngest son wouldn’t come snuggle in with me. I realized that what
I have been telling parents for years is really true:
How can we expect babies to sleep well by themselves if we,
as adults, can’t sleep well if our partner is not there with us? Many
parents acknowledge without any hesitation that they have a difficult time
sleeping without their better half. They
hate it! But, if this ‘training the baby
to be independent and sleep alone’ is a realistic expectation of what we must
do as parents, then we really need to take a look at what we are doing as
adults because something isn’t jiving here.
Maybe we should seriously consider sleep-training ourselves to sleep
without our partners because clearly we have become far too dependent on having
them with us when we sleep (or at least I sure have!). Perhaps separate rooms and beds and never
snuggling together in bed all night should be the norm for all partnered adults. Under no circumstances should we ‘get used’
to having our partner, our love, that person who we love so deeply and want to
connect with so much, in bed with us. It will be have sex, then get back in to your own
bed a.s.a.p. We wouldn’t want to become too
dependent upon them would we? If we did
that how would we ever be independent adults?
So
– that’s it: No more sleeping together,
no more snuggling in bed, no more sleep-time connection, no more making love and falling
asleep in each others arms, feeling safe and loved at night. When you think of that, how does it make you
feel inside? Are you now excited to
sleep-train each other? Are you looking forward
to putting a nice distance between you two?
How do you think this distance and inability to connect with each other
at night while sleeping will affect your relationship? Now
put this back in the perspective of your baby.
That little guy who spent 9 months inside of you; the one who is
hardwired to stay safe in the arms of his parents… where do you think he needs
to be? If it were his choice, what would
he choose?
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